December 2008

Question:

My wife and I have been Christians for over 25 years… There's been no drugs, alcohol, tobacco, or ponography in our house. We've never owned a television, and haven't been to the movies in over a decade because the content is just too much. We're average middle-class conservative Pentecostal Christians who love God. And my wife has depression, bad!

It started a while back with occasional insomnia. Gradually the insomnia got much worse - she could go days without a decent night's sleep. We got some Ambien, and then Ambien CR to help her sleep. The medications worked, and getting some sleep helped. But not enough.

I started reading all I could, and began seeing menopause and perimenopause come up quite a bit. Her internist had ordered blood work; the results were back when we went to her gynocologist. He said it sounded like menopause, but the blood work didn't support that, so he was left with depression. He prescribed 20 mg Prozac.

A few days later, we were back at the internist. Without knowing my wife had been to the gynocologist and gotten a diagnosis, the internist came to the same conclusion - depression. She supported the Prozac, and added Seronquil at night for sleeping (we're up to 75 mg).

My wife got a good noght's sleep Saturday, and Sunday was a wonderful day, both at church and at home. Sunday night's sleep, though, didn't come, and Monday my wife was begging me not to go to work. My… daughter called me mid-afternoon in fear because my wife was just sitting there crying, praying desperately for forgiveness for being such a wretch. Last night was a decent sleep, and today she'll probably make it okay. Tomorrow, though, promises to be a down day.

Yes, there's a huge history… And I'm sure someone could point to breakdowns in faith and relationships and failures to do everything right all along the way that would say a collapse like this was the inevitable end of the road. Her family life growing up wasn't the greatest - whose was? But there was no molestation. Her mother, though, did commit suicide... But that family atmosphere was worlds apart from ours. And that's why tomorrow will probably be a bad day - it's the anniversay of her mother's death.

Your background is impressive. But what do you have to offer my wife and I that will:

-- get her sleep back?

-- bring her faith back?

-- help her cope with life's downturns?

-- help her come to grips with issues of the past?

And do all of this without medication and therapy?

Answer:

Thank you for writing us, and we're sorry it has taken so long to reply. We have some general info to give you, as well as some specific info we believe might apply here.

Specifically, rather than trying to answer all your questions, allow us to address just one issue. Your wife may be falling into the trap of performance-based Christianity. That is, she know God loves her but her focus is so much on her own performance and how she is / is not pleasing God, that her attitude becomes one of despondency and hopelessness. Because after all, none of us measures up to God's perfect standard, even as Christians. We are a work in progress.

Always trying to measure up to God's standards, always doing all she can to please God - these are things that seem right, but actually can snuff out the Spirit's freedom in a person.

Again we're not sure if this is accurate in your wife's case, but getting the focus off of her own walk and onto God and what HE has done and how HE views her, will certainly lift her spirits and cause her to rest in the fact that God fully accepts her--faults and all--because of her simple faith in Christ's finished work on the cross.

The Galatians were caught in a type of this performance-based Christian living, and it sapped their joy and freedom. The Apostle Paul admonished them to walk in the Spirit and put no confidence in the flesh, as the solution to this type of living. It might surprise you that even doing good things for God and trying your best to please God can be putting confidence in the flesh, if not done under the power of the Holy Spirit as you submit yourself to Him by faith. It's all about relationship, not performance.

Surrendering by faith and accepting the truths declared in God's Word that God accepts me and loves me just the way I am, whether I'm having a good day or a bad day, could certainly brighten her outlook. Have your wife read the book of Galatians over and over until its message sinks in. Even better, read this book together as part of your family devotions.

Q&A - How can I help my depressed wife?