Assessing Love In Marriage by Jeremy Lelek, Ph.D. Candidate
As a counselor, I am always disheartened when I hear a husband or wife say,
"I love my spouse, I'm just not 'in love' anymore. I don't think I can stay
in this marriage another day." The modern concept of "love" as being
exclusively a romantic feeling or emotional high has done much to undermine
the biblical idea of marriage. Couples are often much more astute in their
understanding of "love" from the vantage point of commercialism (books,
movies, commercials, etc.) than from the viewpoint of Scripture. One
important aspect of biblical counseling is educational, and for Christian
couples, acquiring biblical knowledge of true love is imperative. A seminal
passage to begin this process is I Corinthians 13:4-8. As a biblical
counselor, it is helpful to first define love in reference to this passage,
then to have couples assess themselves in light of this new definition.
I. Love Defined: Patient
Assessing Love As Patience:
1. Do you feel you are patient with your spouse when he or she
_________________ (fill in the blank with the presenting issue(s)?
2. Do you demand that your spouse fulfill your wishes on your timetable?
3. Do you feel you empathize with your spouse as a co-sinner who must
wrestle against the passions of the flesh? Do you recognize this can be a
powerful struggle that does not usually change "on demand"? (Read Romans 7
for reference)
II. Love Defined: Kind
Assessing Love as Kindness:
1. Do you express kindness to your spouse when he or she does not fulfill
your perceived "needs"?
2. When you confront your spouse do you do so with a spirit of kindness or
condescension?
3. When your spouse does something hurtful or offensive, are you eager to
return such behavior with gestures and words of kindness?
III. Love Defined: Love Is Not Envious or Boastful
Assessing Love as Not Being Envious or Boastful:
1. Do you envy the relationships of other couples (including fictional
relationships as seen on television or in books)?
2. Do you find yourself ruminating on how things "should be" in your
marriage, and becoming resentful as a result?
3. Do you boast to yourself or others about your virtues as a spouse and
compare your "goodness" (i.e., I'm reliable; I'm responsible; I'm loving;
I'm dedicated to God, etc.) to the perceived weak areas of your spouse
(i.e., He's distant; She's critical; He's boring; She's overweight; He's not
the spiritual leader)?
IV. Love Defined: Love Is Not Arrogant
Assessing Love as Not Being Arrogant
1. Do you tend to focus on your own perceived "needs" over and above
blessing and ministering to your spouse?
2. Are you more concerned with what your spouse is doing wrong than with
what you are doing right (before God)?
3. Are you more troubled that your spouse's actions/words are sins against
you than they are sins against God?
V. Love Defined: Love Is Not Rude
Assessing Love as Not Being Rude
1. When you arrive home from work, do you pay attention to your wife or do
you isolate yourself (i.e., watch television, surf the internet, etc.)?
2. When your spouse arrives home from work, do you provide "down time" for
him to wind down, or do you demand his immediate attention?
3. Do you speak harshly to your spouse?
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