1. Remember your roles. God has ordained specific roles for the husband and wife that when followed, will bring blessing. Remember the purpose of marriage is not happiness and self-fulfillment; the purpose of marriage is to reflect Christ’s relationship with His church to the world. It’s not about pleasing ourselves; it’s about pleasing God.

Eph 5:22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
Eph 5:23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
Eph 5:24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so [let] the wives [be] to their own husbands in every thing.

Eph 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
Eph 5:26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,
Eph 5:27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
Eph 5:28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. 

 

2. Pray persistently and read regularly. Pray for your spouse every day for blessings, protection, spiritual growth, and successful ministry. Pray together. Pray for God to help you fulfill your role as a spouse. Read the Bible together in the Spirit, focusing on how passages apply to you and not your spouse. Don’t just read it, but apply what you’ve read.

 

Jam 5:16 Confess [your] faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.

 

Col 1:9 For this cause we also, since the day we heard [it], do not cease to pray for you, and to desire that ye might be filled with the knowledge of his will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding;

Col 1:10 That ye might walk worthy of the Lord unto all pleasing, being fruitful in every good work, and increasing in the knowledge of God;

Col 1:11 Strengthened with all might, according to his glorious power, unto all patience and longsuffering with joyfulness;

 

Jhn 8:31 Then said Jesus to those Jews which believed on him, If ye continue in my word, [then] are ye my disciples indeed;

 

Jam 1:22 But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves.

The more we pray and read together, the stronger our marriages will become.

3. Lift up your lover. Respect, praise, encourage and defend the love of your life. Never disrespect them or make them vulnerable, publicly or privately. Be positive, supportive and empathetic. Your spouse is your best friend.

 

Rom 14:19 Let us therefore follow after the things which make for peace, and things wherewith one may edify another.

 

Phl 4:8 Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things [are] noble, whatever things [are] just, whatever things [are] pure, whatever things [are] lovely, whatever things [are] of good report, if [there is] any virtue and if [there is] anything praiseworthy--meditate on these things.

 

Gal 6:2 Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.

Pursuing peace in all situations, staying positive when times get tough, and shouldering the load when your partner needs it--these are all ways we can keep our marriages strong.

4. Please by priority. Serve first God, then your spouse, then your children, parents and the church, then the rest of the world. Never seek to please self at the expense of God or others.

Mat 6:33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

Mat 16:24 Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any [man] will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.

Jam 3:16 For where envying and strife [is], there [is] confusion and every evil work.

Incorrect priorities will cause too much attention and affection in some places, and not enough in others. But when priorities line up with God's designed order, each relationship is given its proper importance, and time is spent most wisely.

5. Confront kindly. When offended, approach your partner with kind words and a gentle tone, and express what happened and why it offended you. Ask questions and seek clarification. Your goal should be peaceful repentance and restoration, not hostile judgment and condemnation, which shuts down communication and escalates conflict.

Mat 18:15 Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.

Gal 6:1 Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted.

Luk 6:37 Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven:

2Cr 7:9  Now I rejoice, not that ye were made sorry, but that ye sorrowed to repentance: for ye were made sorry after a godly manner, that ye might receive damage by us in nothing.
2Cr 7:10 For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of: but the sorrow of the world worketh death.

God embodies these qualities of truthful confrontation and loving restoration. His Word makes clear our fallen condition, and He died sacrificially to restore the broken relationship between a holy God and a sinful humanity. He has left us an example to follow in our marriages and other earthly relationships.

6. Don't be defensive. This is a symptom of self-preservation and is of the flesh, not of God. Defensiveness only causes more strife. Instead of defending yourself, take up your cross and have compassion for your mate.

 

Mat 16:24 Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any [man] will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.

 

Mat 26:62   And the high priest arose, and said unto him, Answerest thou nothing? what [is it which] these witness against thee?

Mat 26:63   But Jesus held his peace. And the high priest answered and said unto him, I adjure thee by the living God, that thou tell us whether thou be the Christ, the Son of God.

 

Rom 8:33   Who shall lay any thing to the charge of God's elect? [It is] God that justifieth.

Rom 8:34   Who [is] he that condemneth? [It is] Christ that died, yea rather, that is risen again, who is even at the right hand of God, who also maketh intercession for us.

Why should we need to defend and justify ourselves to our spouses when we are already justified in the sight of God? God is more pleased with our self-sacrifice, mercy and compassion, than He is with our self-justification and need to be right. The next time you want to put up your defenses, take up your cross. Your flesh won't like it, but God will be pleased, as will your spouse.

7. Avoid anger and blot out bitterness. This only escalates conflict, and gives the devil opportunity to further divide and destroy the relationship. Control your emotions; don’t let them control you. Get over it quickly; don’t let it simmer overnight. Don’t get bitter; get better by pleasing God and not yourself.

 

Eph 4:26   Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:

Eph 4:27   Neither give place to the devil.

 

Eph 4:31   Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:

Eph 4:32   And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

One person in the relationship has to decide to surrender their right to be angry and put on kindness and tender mercies, as unto the Lord. It takes two for conflict. "A soft answer turns away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger." Words and tone either fuel the fire or douse it. If bitterness persists, cure it with a few doses of thankfulness for your spouse. Try being thankful and bitter at the same time--it's virtually impossible!

8. Rapidly repent. In a marital conflict, the offending partner must repent and ask for forgiveness immediately; if no wrongdoing occurred, the offending partner must clarify the truth in love, with mercy and patience. Admitting wrongdoing requires humility and keeps us at the cross where God can pour out His grace upon us. Conversely, standing your ground in pride and self-righteousness only continues the conflict and keeps you from God and His good will for your marriage.

Mat 5:23  Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee;
Mat 5:24   Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift.
 
1Pe 5:5     Likewise you younger people, submit yourselves to [your] elders. Yes, all of [you] be submissive to one another, and be clothed with humility, for "God resists the proud, But gives grace to the humble."
 

Saying "I'm sorry" and meaning it sincerely is hard to do when your flesh wants to justify itself and finger-point. The blame game started in the Garden of Eden, and mankind has been perfecting it ever since. It takes a godly desire to please God more than ourselves to say "I'm sorry"--especially when it seems your spouse is more at fault than you are. When you start feeling the pain of the cross, remember, Christ took all the blame, and did nothing wrong.

 

9. Frequently forgive. Forgiveness is the gauge of your spirituality. A sinner saved by grace will easily forgive others. A self-righteous, self-sufficient person will hold grudges and become bitter, to their own detriment. As God’s forgiveness knows no limits, neither should yours for your spouse.

Luk 17:3   Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him.
Luk 17:4   And if he trespass against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day turn again to thee, saying, I repent; thou shalt forgive him.
 
Mat 18:21   Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?
Mat 18:22   Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.

 

Luk 6:37   Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven:

 

Mat 6:14   For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:
Mat 6:15   But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

When we don't forgive others, it shows our lack of understanding of the depth of God's forgiveness toward us. After all, He is perfect and holy, and we're not. If anyone has the right to not forgive, it is God. But He does nonetheless, and then we withhold it from our fellow man. This certainly cannot please God!

The more we see God's mercy in light of our own sinful state, the more we will appreciate the magnitude of God's forgiveness, and the more we will be willing to extend that forgiveness to others. If anyone on earth should show forgiveness for his fellow man, it is the Christian changed by God's grace.

Forgiving our spouse's sins also means forgetting them, and this can be difficult. Of course, we cannot blank our memories (is there a drug for that yet?), but we can choose to see our spouses the way God sees them: hid under the cleansing blood of Jesus Christ, with their sins gone "as far as the east is from the west" (Ps 103:12) and "remembered no more." (Heb 10:17). Far be it from us to bring up sins of the past already buried by God in the depths of the sea (Mic 7:19). Instead of bringing our spouse's past into the present, we can pray for him/her, expecting God to work in our spouse's life.

We must also not forget to balance this teaching on forgiveness with other biblical teachings on wisdom. For example, a victim of an abusive spouse should not continue to get beaten just because her drunken husband always says "I'm sorry" the next day. We still forgive from the heart, but outwardly we take practical steps--like counseling or separation in this case--to avoid harmful situations for ourselves or our children.

10. Above all, let love lead. Wrap everything in love, and your marriage will prosper. Let love motivate and permeate every thought, word and action. In the end, only love will matter; everything else will fade away and be forgotten.
 

1Cr 13:4   Love suffers long [and] is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up;
1Cr 13:5   does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil;

1Cr 13:6   does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 

1Cr 13:7   bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 

1Cr 13:8   Love never fails. But whether [there are] prophecies, they will fail; whether [there are] tongues, they will cease; whether [there is] knowledge, it will vanish away. 

 

Eph 4:1   I, therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you to walk worthy of the calling with which you were called,

Eph 4:2   with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love, 

Eph 4:3   endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. 

1Pe 4:8   And above all things have fervent love for one another, for "love will cover a multitude of sins." 

When we say, "I love you," biblically speaking we are saying, "I am patient with you, kind toward you, happy when you benefit, humble toward you, considerate of you, self-sacrificing, not easily angered at you, believing only the best about you, rejoicing in the good in your life, protective of you, faithful and hopeful for our future, and persevering through trial."

Many of us fail after the first two on the list. Perhaps that is why Paul later repeats this theme of bearing with one another: the degree of love present in the relationship can be measured by the amount of patience--literally "long-suffering"--that person shows the other. Most marriages fail because one or both partners are not willing to "suffer long"--they want the benefits of the resurrection life without the cross that comes with it. It is an honorable thing to suffer long with a spouse, and do it as unto the Lord with a kind and humble spirit.

By not reacting to your spouse's sins, this godly love effectively "covers over" or hides their sins, just as God's love and grace covers over ours. We may find that over time, we see those sins in our spouse less and less as he/she responds favorably to our godly and unconditional love.

 

Copyright 2009 Lisa and Ryan Bazler