11/24/08
Lisa,
My husband and I have been Christians for about 10years…
We have been married for 20 years, the first 10 in the world infested with drugs, pornography and sex. We havebeen growing in our faith, but we struggle when we are alone. Sex is the issue.
I know that the Bible tells me that my body is his, that I am not to hold back, or deprive him and I dont have a problem with this...we have sex maybe 3 times per week..I love him very much...I want to make him happy. The problem comes because he wants and expects sex 1-2 times per day and once has to be oral sex. He continually makes gestures or comments to relay this message to me...sometimes very lewd. I get extremely frustrated and sometimes mad at God because no matter how much I pray things for change in me (if Im the problem) or him, vut things dont change. I have tried talking with him but he plays games...instead of listening to me he shuts down and will keep repeating to me that he is the problem then he dont talk to me while we are alone but will act like nothing is wrong in front of others.
Recently, I spoke with him and begged him to listen to me because if I couldnt share my feeling with my husband than I really didn't have anyone. He shared with me that everynight I did not perform oral sex on him he had dreams of other women doing it to him. I dont know what to do...I have annointed him as he sleeps and pray over him, but I'm tired. I'm tired of the same disagreement. I fee worthless at times because of his comments. I recommended that he talk with pastor, or another brother but he wont. He feels I should relieve him so he doesnt have these thaoughts. I really dont know what to do and leaving is not an option. Please help.
Our Response:
Thank you for your email.
While sex in marriage is a gift from God, it should be done in moderation. The Bible teaches that the couple should come together, but should also devote themselves to spiritual things like prayer and fasting:
1Cr 7:3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and
likewise also the wife unto the husband.
1Cr 7:4 The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and
likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.
1Cr 7:5 Defraud ye not one the other, except [it be] with consent for a
time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together
again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.
1Cr 7:6 But I speak this by permission, [and] not of commandment.
This paints a picture of balance, balancing the spiritual with the physical. Too much of one without the other will result in a lopsided marriage and create problems.
Having sex 1-2 times a day is overly focusing on the physical, most likely at the expense of the spiritual. We recommend your husband focus his energies on growing spiritually (Bible reading, prayer, serving you and others, etc.), more than on pleasing his physical needs. He will find that as he grows spiritually, the dreams and the physical desires will lessen and his spiritual thirst will grow, resulting in more balance. His desires for pornographic sex will also decrease.
His extreme focus on receiving physical sexual pleasure--and in pornographic ways--is likely sinful because it is rooted in self and pleasure seeking. This needs to be repented of.
In Christ,
Lisa Bazler