11/15/08
As a Christian, I should be free, but I feel like I'm in bondage. I've
always struggled with a sense of worthlessness, but now that I'm in a
serious relationship, it seems worse. I can hear voices screaming at
me "You're not enough! You'll never be enough!" And I believe it. I'm
ashamed of myself. Not just for my sins but for who I am, I don't like
anything about myself. I can't understand why God made me the way I
am, why I look the way I look. I can't accept the "You're beautiful in
God's eyes" line people drop at me. That's just saying "you're really
ugly but that's ok because God thinks you're pretty". And I guess I
don't care whether He thinks I'm pretty or not, I care about other
people thinking I am though.
My sense of worthlessness causes me to doubt my boyfriend's love for
me. This causes problems because he sees it as I don't think he's
doing enough, when in reality I simply don't think I'm worthy of his
love. I can never measure up, and the sense of failure pounds at me
til I feel absolutely hopeless. It does not help that I am extremely
emotional.
I also am extremely absent-minded, meaning I forget things and make
mistakes causing people to be annoyed with me, deepening my shame and
sense of failure. I feel so hopeless because my absent-mindedness does
not seem to improve though I try my hardest to be aware and not slip
up. Some things I will always fail at.
Though it is not often, I have thoughts of leaving this earth because
people would be better off without me bumbling about being stupid. I
know I am very selfish, I think too much of my sorrows. Unfortunately
I think a lot and over-analyze things. I just don't feel any hope for
myself. I am constantly trying self-improvement and making new
resolutions for myself, but nothing ever works.
It seems I am doomed to be like this always, and the future looks bleak.
Our Response:
Thank you for writing, and for opening up like you have.
Have you read our book? If we were to summarize its theme, it would be that our problem is self. Self-focus, self-performance, self-deprecation, self-esteem, etc. In fact, last month's Q&A might help you: http://www.psychologydebunked.com/email0812_Q&A.htm
Remember that God's grace is defined as "undeserved favor." We aren't enough, we'll never be enough, and God knows this, and He still loves us infinitely! Whenever you hear this accusation that you're not enough, simply agree with it, smile and thank God for Jesus' death and resurrection that makes you acceptable to God in His eyes, no matter what you've done or what you're like!
Just like a snowflake or a fingerprint, there is no one else on the earth like you. God made you for a purpose, and that purpose may not be clear to you right now, but as long as you are in Christ, and seeking to do His will and please Him, His purpose for you will be fulfilled without you striving or trying to figure it out. Just abiding in Him will allow that purpose to flow in and through your life to others.
Regarding your boyfriend, thank God for him, and for his love for you! We're sure he thinks you're beautiful, even if others may not.
Remember, you don't get love from someone (or from God for that matter) because you deserve it. You get love because of the desire of the one who gives it. God loves you because it is His nature to love, and His desire is to give that love to you. Your worthiness doesn't even enter into the equation. As a popular Christian band sings, "He doesn't love us 'cause of who we are; He only loves us 'cause of who He is."
Similarly, your boyfriend loves you because it is his desire to give that love to you. He loves you just the way you are. Your boyfriend doesn't love you because he think you've earned it or your worth it. Love that acts like this looks more like a business transaction ("this for that") than something from one's heart. True and perfect love doesn't expect performance or something in return.
We hope this helps you rest in God's true and perfect love for you!
Love in Christ,
Lisa and Ryan Bazler