8/23/09
A
friend of mine recently sent me information on your website and I have to say
that I absolutely agree with everything I have read so far. I am struggling to
find some answers and don't really have time to search through months of
research to find answers. I was hoping you could help.
My life has been very hectic and confusing. I am 25 and a single mom with three
little boys. My oldest son is who I am writing you about. First let me say that
all of the boys have medical problems related to their GI tract as well as their
respiratory system. This has made for a very crazy life. We are in and out of
the hospital often and see many doctors trying to regulate our health so that we
can try to have a "normal" life.
Since my son was about 3 (he is now 6) we have been struggling with behavioral
issues. Many of which have been aggression. He is self abusive, as well as
abusive towards other people and destructive to objects. This summer he
escalated to the point of hitting two of the doctors and knocking his 4 year old
brother unconscious. As a result he is now being observed by a psychologist and
a psychiatrist. As of now no medication has been attempted, but they are pushing
in that direction.
He recently started school again, first grade now, and has had 3 documented
physical altercations with classmates in a 7 day period. Of course this is
alarming and more professionals are getting involved.
As a mother and a Christian I have a hard time hearing that they believe my son
is ADHD and bi-polar. To me it seems that he just isn't conceptually 6. He
doesn't seem to understand cause and effect and right and wrong. He always has a
reason for hurting someone, even if the point of validity is not what we would
think it should be at six.
For example his 3 year old brother took a book he wanted to read, so he hit him
on the head, repeatedly. While it is not acceptable behavior, I still see the
trigger. Another time he pulled a classmate out of line by his ear for cutting.
Again not acceptable, but I see the trigger. When my son does get in trouble for
typical poor choices at home, he is to go to timeout on the wall, if he refuses
then he is sent to his room, because I know it's safe, so that he can reregulate
and we can discuss the behavior. Often when this occurs, he will through
tantrums often like a two year old with screaming. I have often heard him
through things against his wall as a way to vent anger. These things are then
taken away for abusive behavior. He has had his bed sheets removed also, as he
has attempted to tie them around his neck. I am not sure if it was out of anger
or a need for sensory input, but it was still quite scarey as a mom to witness.
My son has a hard time focusing in school and at home, he is easily distracted.
He thrives in small settings and in quiet settings. I try to accomodate him as
much as I can but of course it is difficult being a single mom with three little
ones.
He is a great little boy. He loves to read and is on track for his age group. He
love spending time with just mommy and can be very caring towards his brothers.
I am wondering if there is some help that you may be able to offer with regards
to articles to read, scriptures that may help me better understand what I can do
to help him. I do not want my child medicated for behavior. What is wrong with
him is not medication needed, it is behavior. He is struggling with
compreshension and coping. Its not an ear infection, or asthma or any other
medically based event. Please help me!
Thank you and God Bless,
Our Response:
Thank you for writing. It sounds like your son is a real challenge, but we know every child has individual challenges and we applaud you for asking for advice. Hopefully we can lend a few helpful words.
It sounds like you've researched potential physical causes of his bad behavior, which is always a good first step. The next step would be to review the practical areas of his life and your interaction with him. How is his diet - at least three meals a day, healthy, avoiding junk foods, sodas, sugary juices?
Is he getting enough sleep and taking naps if you see he is getting cranky and emotional?
Is he getting enough attention from you, in the form of teaching, playing, talking, running errands together, etc.? Sometimes kids act out because they feel they aren't getting enough attention.
When he acts up, is the discipline consistent, and if you make a threat, do you follow through with it? Do you use "loss of rewards" as a means of discipline, threatening to take away something you know he really loves and looks forward to? This can be very effective.
What about general lifestyle - do you have a routine, or does your son have no idea what to expect from one moment to the next? Providing feelings of safety and stability through predictable routines, or setting expectations, or communicating the schedule for the day, goes a long way to having a well-behaved child.
We hope some of these questions spur some ideas for you on how to better handle your son. Thank you for not buying into industry-driven, stigmatizing psych labels and dangerous meds for him!
In Christ,
Lisa and Ryan Bazler
www.psychologydebunked.com